I've been trying to figure out my reluctance to show projects in progress. I hate doing it, and I don't know why. I know people would enjoy seeing stuff in progress because *I* love seeing people's projects in all their various stages. I LOVE it. But I'm totally resistant to showing my own process. Why is that?
I think one reason is that I'm never totally confident in what I'm doing. Because I don't start out with a definitive plan, I'm mostly just winging it, making it up as I go, and there's always the chance--a pretty good chance--that I'll change directions in the middle of everything. I think part of it is that I'm afraid I'll show something in the middle, and someone will post a comment and say, "You know what you should have done? It would be so cool if you'd blahblahblah," and I'll read it and smack my forehead and realize they're exactly right, that that's EXACTLY what I should have done. But I'm way past that point, and there's no way I'm going to backtrack and start over. And so then I would just abandon the whole thing: no point in finishing if I've realized I took the wrong direction because I'd always be going, "It would be soooooo much cooler if only I'd blahblahblah."
And then the whole abandoning it thing. Whenever I think about that, I hear my father's voice saying, "You're never going to amount to a hill of beans." I have no idea why I hear this--I've been an adult for many, many years, and my father has been dead for a while now and never said this to me as an adult, and I have no recollection of his having said it in respect to my not having finished something I started when I was a kid. But either that was the case or that was my childhood belief, that if I didn't finish what I started, I'd Never Amount to a Hill of Beans (and, people, please don't tell your children this: forever after they will imagine a huge, huge, insurmountable hill of beans, and they will wonder, for all their lives, "Cooked or raw? Black or navy? With or without pork involved? To exactly what kind of beans am I supposed to aspire?" You know, if they were like an English nerd or something.)
And then there also seems to be this: when I'm nearing the finishing of a project, I look forward to sharing it--taking photographs (which I hate to do) and posting it here (which I love) and getting feedback and answering questions about how I did something or where I got fabric or materials or whatever. I love imagining that someone else is going to see it and get that little rush of "I can do that!" and set off on some fabulous adventure of making (which they will then show me, which will set me off on another adventure, ad infinitum). Sometimes that anticipation of sharing is what keeps me going near the end when things get tedious--when I'm spending hours and hours beading, or when I'm appliquéing little tiny nit-picky things, as I am on a couple projects right now. My appliqué skills aren't that mad that I love doing the tiny tedious stuff, and sometimes I just want to give up and use hot glue. Never mind that I don't own a hot glue gun (in league with The Dreaded Wal-Mart and spray-on tan, I'm sure) and know it wouldn't hold up through the wash. Still. Anything seems preferable to appliquéing millions of tiny letters in some funky font.
I'm going to try to work on this because I know that having a blog means you have an agreement with people who come by to visit. If you're not giving them what they want to see, then you're not holding up your end of the bargain: you come by to visit, and I'll show you something I hope is inspiring. Still, it's scary. I'm going to have to work up to it, I think. Either that or work a lot faster so I have more stuff to show. . . .
1 day ago